Re: The Joke Thread

[J.B.]

I'll start:

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden on their
Wyoming ranch. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his
little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature
through such innocent eyes. Then she just stopped and stared at the
ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy,
what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having
any of that Broke back-Mountain shit in our garden.'

[J.B.]

Why don't you play Uno with illegal immigrants?
























They hoard all the green cards.

[J.B.]

A man goes into a diner and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?" "Chili," she
says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl." The man says
he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he
waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the
bowl of chili remained uneaten. "Are you going to eat your chili?" he
asked. "No, help yourself," replied his neighbor. The man picked up a
spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway
through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of
the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the
bowl. The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got,
too.

[J.B.]

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[Guest]

How do you get a nun pregnant?




















Fuck her.

[J.B.]

ROFL!

Here's another one:

One day a duck walks into a store and asks the manager, "Got any grapes?"
"No we don't sell grapes here," the manager replied. The duck leaves.



The next day, the duck walks back in and asks "Got any grapes?"
The manager seems confused, but replies "I'm sorry, I told you yesterday we don't have any grapes". The duck leaves.


The third day, the duck walks in, and asks "Got any grapes?'. The manager laughs, and says "Nope. Still no grapes. And we'll never have any". The duck walks out.


The fourth day, the duck walks in and asks the manager "Got any grapes?"

The manager gets irritated, and says "Duck, I've told you all week we don't sell grapes, and we aren't going to get any EVER!". The duck walks out.



The fifth day, the duck walks up the manager. The manager sees him and starts to get angry in anticipation of the question. "Got any grapes?".

"Dammit, Duck, I told you I don't have any fuckin grapes. Now get the fuck out of here, and if you come back tomorrow asking for grapes I'm going to nail your fuckin' feet to the floor!". The duck leaves.




The sixth day, the duck walks into the store, goes up to the manager and asks, "Got any nails?"

"Nope", the manager replies.


"Got any grapes?".

[J.B.]

Don't you love TEXANS?

So, this Department of Water Resources Representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, Okay, but don't go in that field over there.

The Water Representative says, Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand??

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher*s huge Brahman bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"YOUR CARD, SHOW HIM YOUR CARD!!!

[zombie_slayer]

IN THE DAYS OF OLD
WHEN MEN WHERE BOLD
AND RUBBERS WEREN'T INVENTED

MEN WRAPPED A LEAF
AROUND THEIR BEEF
AND BABIES WERE PREVENTED

[zombie_slayer]

How many Irishman does it take to change a light bulb?







14

1 to hold the light bulb and 13 to drink till the room starts spinning.

[GodAmongMen]

what's black, white, black, white, black, white, red?























A nun after I kick her down the stairs

[TJ]

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took her foot and stomped them flat and said, 'Well, we're not having
any of that Broke back-Mountain shit in our garden.

[J.B.]

A REAL ADVERTISEMENT:

[Canadian]

A Cuban, Russian, Briton and Pakistani are sitting on a train.

The
Cuban pulls out a cigar, lights it and takes a puff, turns to the other
three and says, "this is a fine Cuban cigar, rolled by our best chicas,
but we have so many, I'm just going to throw it out." And he rolls down
the window and throws it out.

Not to be outdone, the Russian
pulls out a 40 of vodka, takes a swig, turns to the three and says,
"this is fine vodka, produced in the heart of Moscow, but we have so
much of it, I will also dispose of mine." And out the window it goes.

The Briton, with characteristic British reserve, dispenses with the boasting and promptly throws the Paki off the train.

[Canadian]

Q: How many Jews fit into a BMW?
A: Two in the front, three in the back, six million in the ashtray.

[Canadian]

Q: What kind of person is the cheapest in the world?
A: A Hinjew.

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street and see a young
boy. The priest turns to the rabbi and goes, "let's screw him!"
The rabbi responds, "out of what?"

heh...I think I've poked fun at the Jews enough for one night, so some others.

Q: What is the primary concern of farmers from Dildo, Newfoundland and Labrador?
A: Squatters

Q: What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

A: Their last big hit was the wall

A girl goes to the dry cleaners, tells the clerk, "I'd like this dress cleaned by
Friday please."
The clerk replies, "come again?"
She responds, "no, mayonnaise."

[patom]

A parcel post delivery man knocks on the door and a little boy answers it.
The delivery man says, "I have a parcel for your mother, is she home"?
The boy says, "No, shes working across the street at the whore house."
The man says, "Do you mean to tell me that she's a prostitute!"
The boy says, "No, shes a substitute. She only works on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
The man says, "Well I'll be a sonofabitch."
The boy says, "I am too, but I don't go around bragging about it."

[INFIDEL!]

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

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a Lickalottapuss

Just got me banned off UP again

[J.B.]

[J.B.]

BWAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAA! I LOVE IT!

[J.B.]