Re: The Joke Thread

[GodAmongMen]

what did the blind kid in the wheelchair get for christmas?




Cancer

[patom]

Mrs. Brown, can Johnny come out and play baseball?

Kid's, you know Johnny has no arms or legs!

Yeah but he makes a great 1st base.

[J.B.]

http://obamacrimes.com/

[J.B.]

[J.B.]

Any more?

[TJ]

[J.B.]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin .



She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed
to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed,

"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.


She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said,

"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, *"Tell me, Paddy,
it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you
keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied,

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high... has got to be a
ballerina!"

[J.B.]

Knock knock.












Who's there?














Eyes.













Eyes who?























Eyes yo new President!

[J.B.]

[J.B.]

[patom]

Little church in Ireland. During the sunday mass the choir was singing in the balcony. The suprano went up on her toes while hitting a high note, lost her balance and fell over the banister.
A quick thinking choir member grabed her ankles at the last second to save her.
Her dress fell over her head as she went over revealing that she wore nothing underneath.
The priest looked up from the pulpit and acted quickly by saying loudly. " The first one to look up will be stricken blind by God."
Old Paddy sitting toward the rear of the church holds one hand over one of his eyes and says. "Well I think I can risk one eyeball."

[TJ]

This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes."

The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen......"

[TJ]

There was an Aussie guy driving his truck in the Australian outback. And 'cos he's in the Aussie outback he has a roo-bar on the front of his truck incase he hits something.

Suddenly he hits something big. He radio's into his station and says 'Hey guys, I've got a pig stuck in my roo-bar, how do I get it out?'

They radio back to him saying 'Cut the stomach open and the guts will fall out.'

He does this, then radios back in, 'Hey guys, I've got another problem...'

'What's that?'

'What do I do with the motorcycle and the helmet?'

[TJ]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"

The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister", says the little boy.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[TJ]

One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.

The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.

Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.

After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.

The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.

"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and moving on down the line!"

[Liswat]

Thoughts From a Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.
~~~
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them..
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help 'groups'?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

[J.B.]

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied
the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

[J.B.]

> Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
> creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
> plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
> can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white
> T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car
> mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have
> to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
> icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
> bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress
> $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're
> talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> One mood all the time.
>
> Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
> tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. You can open
> all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
> thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still
> be your friend.
>
> Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
> more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You
> are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
> stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
> decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
>
> You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes
> -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your
> legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have
> freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
>
> You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[J.B.]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff!
She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in
Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

[J.B.]