Re: The Joke Thread

[J.B.]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy: "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued: "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied: "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you
would be able to swim and ride a bike and right now, he can't do
either."

[J.B.]

[Night Stryker]

Farah Fawcett died and found herself standing at the gates to Heaven. St. Peter checked her in, and at the end of the process, leaned in to whisper, "Ms. Fawcett, I hope you don't mind, but the Big Guy is a huge Charlie's Angels fan. He wanted to know if there's any last request you'd like." Farah stood there for a second and said "I just want all the children in the world to be safe and happy." St. Peter, obviously touched by her compassion, nodded and assured her that something would be done.

Two hours later, Michael Jackson died.

[J.B.]

That's bad dude. Funny, but baaaaaaaaaad.

[Night Stryker]

Nothing new in a while, so here's another Michael Jackson joke:

Did you hear that some members of the Jackson family said he wanted to be cremated? Apparently he wanted to be made into Lego blocks so that kids could play with him for a change. *ba-dum tish*

[patom]

A man was sitting on the couch watching TV when he heard his wife's
voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?”
He said, “Thank you, I'll have chicken”.
“Shut up. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat.”

[lizzy8203]

lol..that sounds like a conversation between me and mine.

[patom]

Chinese Wedding Night

<table class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><tr><td style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"><table class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><tr><td style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top> A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. - 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, - 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..... - 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas? </TD></TR></TABLE></TD></TR></TABLE>

[Lucious]

[patom]

That reminds me of a story my father told me about a prank they pulled on the local cop in Nesquahoning, Pa. back in the late teens or early 20's.

This cop had a habit of taking a nap in his Model 'T' police cruiser.
Dad and his friends borrowed (?) some dynomite and a long fuse from the coal mines. They set the dynomite in the big slag pile down by the river and had time to be sitting where the cop was taking his nap and chain his back axle to a hitching post with about 50 feet of chain. The dynomite went off and the cop woke up and took off but not far

[PhunkyPhishStyle]

A man and his wife are sitting at a table in a nice resturaunt eating a nice dinner for their 40th anniversary.

The wife looks at the husband and says, "Do you remember sitting at this very table 40 years ago?"

The husband replies, "Why yes, why?"

"When you were looking at me across the table, what were you thinking?" asked the wife.

"Well," said the husband; "I was thinking how I was going to fuck this girl's brains out and suck her tits dry".

"Oh, my" said the flattered wife. "And when you look at me sitting across the very same table 40 years later, what are you thinking now?"

The husband stared at her for second and replied, "I'm thinking I did a great job."


bbbaaazzzing

[patom]

The Cremated Husband.....

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Here it comes."

[garyd]

You here about the Dutch dude that got beat half to death at a gay bar?

He eard somebody day something about a flood and tried to put his finger in the biggest dyke he could find...

[patom]

group of surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York says, "I love accountants because when you open them up everything is numbered and in order."

The second surgeon from Chicago says, "You should try electricians, everything inside is color coded."

The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I like librarians the best, when you open them up inside is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. Theres no heart, no guts, no balls, no brain and no spine. And the head and the ass are interchangable."

[patom]

Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man.
'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chicken become fertile?'
'I used a different c*ck,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'

[patom]

A Beautiful young blonde in New York was so depressed that she was going to throw herself into the ocean and end it all.

But just before she could jump from the dock a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor and we are sailing for Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and make you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she alway wanted to go to Europe, she accepted.

That night he brought her on his ship and hid her in a life boat. He brought her three sandwiches every night and would make love to her till dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain while doing a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors. He's taking me to Europe, brings me food everyday, plus he's screwing me every night."

"I'll say he's screwing you. This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[garyd]

A lady takes a duck to the Vet. The Vet looks at it and says, "Ma'am this duck is dead."

She say, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The Vet rolls his eyes gets a labrador retirever from its pen brings it over to the duck, the lab sniffs it shakes his head and goes back to his pen. The Vet says, "Yep its dead."

She says, "Are you abosolutely positively sure?"

The vet rolls his eyes again gets a cat out of its cage and places it by the duck. The cat sniffs the duck meows shakes it head and retreats to its pen. The vet says, "Yes ma'am it is most truly and thouroghly dead. That'll be 150 bucks."

The woman visilbly pales and says. "Why so much?"

The vet says, "Well if you'd taken my word the first time it would have been free but the lab report was 80 dollars and the cat scan was another 70."