Re: The Joke Thread

[patom]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.




The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.


�

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.��


The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.'��


�

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'��


She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'


He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'��


She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'


He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.

[TJ]

The Fruit Flasher:

[TJ]

[patom]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day." she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, ge laid, and don't exercise at all.."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty four" she replied.

[J.B.]

STAR WARS DELETED SCENE:


I can see why it was removed (3 million views on YouTube, and 5 stars)

[patom]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter
a good find for many retirees,
I lasted less than a day.....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, ugly, mean-acting woman walked into the store wiht her two kids.Yelling obsenities all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[TJ]

[J.B.]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out..
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in
the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down on a grave that had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they made their way home.



The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the
other husband and said: 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

[patom]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[J.B.]

Bwahahaha!

[TJ]

[TJ]

Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took
a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes
and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need
to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the
Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the
Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the
other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When
the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.


As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...

'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This
fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

[patom]

True but really funny. A few years ago, about 10, there was a couple that hit a cat comming into Calais, Maine. They stopped and the woman was supprised to see that the cat was still alive. It was night time and they decided to bring it to the Police Dept.

A friend of mine was on duty and liked to shit his pants when he saw that they had brought a live bobcat into the PD lobby. He told them to back out of the room, which they did, leaving the cat on the floor. They then had to call the animal control officer in who managed to get the cat into a cage. It was released back to the wild the next day.

Can you imagine what would have happened if the little bundle of fur had woke up in this womans lap in a car?

[J.B.]

A crusty old biker (named TJ) out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to
a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.
As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the
ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of
sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am."
The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,
"Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

[Bug]

^ It was funny the first time I read it....

[Bug]

So...in lieu of Mother's Day....


Today, we celebrate our most valuable resource- Mothers.


Tomorrow we go back to oil.

[patom]

The Four Cats ! [b]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer ,

the second man was an Accountant ,

the third man was a Chemist....and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off , the Engineer called his cat ,

'T-square , do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk , took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle , a square , and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said ,

'Spreadsheet , do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his
cat and said, [/b][b]

'Measure , do your stuff.'

Measure got up , walked to the fridge , took out a quart of milk... got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee
and said , 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

'CoffeeBreak...do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.... [/b]

[b][/b][b]
ate the cookies..... [/b]
[b]drank the milk........ [/b][b]
sh*t on the paper.............. [/b]
[b]scr*wed the other three cats.......... [/b]
[b]claimed he injured his back while doing so......... [/b]
[b]filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions........ [/b]
[b]put in for Workers Compensation..............and [/b]
[b]went home for the rest of the day on sick leave............. [/b]

AND THAT'S WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!!

[dscobey]

A very taboo joke

A little girl walks into the bathroom while her dad was taking a leak.

"Daddy,whats that?" she asked.

"Its a penis." he said.

When am I gonna get one?" she asked.

"As soon as your momma leaves." he responded.

[dscobey]

STAR WARS DELETED SCENE:


I can see why it was removed (3 million views on YouTube, and 5 stars)

Halarious

[J.B.]